My life is a bundle of contradictions. These contradictions wear me out, exhaust me.
I am simultaneously smart and an idiot. I am good looking and ugly. I am outgoing and anti-social. I am successful and a failure. I am fit and weak. I am a womanizer and alone. I am kind and heartless. I am aloof and overbearing. I am charming and obnoxious. I am a workaholic and lazy.
I’m perceived as any combination of these things by any number of people. Some see me for the positives exclusively, others see me solely in the negative, but the great majority see me as some combination of each. I used to think that some of them were wrong. “Surely some must be!” logic dictates. But logic fails to recognize that a man is like water.
Water can be a liquid, solid, or gas. And it freely moves between these states easily based on its circumstances (pressure and temperature). Water transitions between these states regularly here on Earth and its range of transitional temperatures is rather narrow compared to some other substances. I guess I’m the same way. In the right circumstances (mood, context, motivation, subject-matter), I am a genius or working diligently. But the very next day, were those conditions to shift, I might act a fool and fall into a pit of slothfulness.
The question then arises as to what I can do to anticipate my states and control them – like man seeks to control the state of water. That’s the greatest mystery of my life. I don’t have any easy answer. Honestly, I should be medicated but I’ve resisted this for years because of the side effects (E.D. in my limited experience) and the doors it closes (namely military service). And surely my chronic depression isn’t the only factor.
I guess I should work to be more mindful of what makes me tick and tock to one drum beat or the other. Anyway, this is what’s on my mind tonight. A minor distraction from an otherwise minor holiday that, as I’m sure you could wager, feels me with feelings I’d rather ignore for a day.